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WiiWare Games From Hell

November 22nd, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

By now, most of you have at least heard of the Wii, a gaming system released by Nintendo in 2006. For those of you unfamiliar with the Wii, your controller is a “remote” that you point at the sensor bar either above or below your television which picks up your movements.

The idea was sound and some innovative games have been released since then that take advantage of the motion control, even if it wasn’t perfect. Some of you may have read my previous article which captures the fun that can be had while playing Wii Sports Resort.

Making mom proud since 1987.

As with most gaming systems, games that are unique to that system are released in box form at various outlets like Best Buy or Gamestop. Technology has advanced since the days of the Atari 2600 (1977) and we are able to now download games via an internet connection. You can setup a wireless connection to your router and be able to take advantage of everything the Wii has to offer in terms of online services. If you have a valid Netflix account for example, you can watch shows or movies via the “watch instantly” feature they have in place right on your television. It’s very similar to “On Demand”.

WiiWare…you may have heard the term. It’s a list of games that can only be accessed via Nintendo’s online store. Each game has a point value; you can purchase or redeem points to buy those games. It’s no secret that the Wii is home to many “kiddie” games that won’t appeal to hardcore gamers. Nintendo’s main target, it seems, was to attract those that DON’T play video games by developing simple games that even a chimp could play. The Wii is also home to many games that just don’t make any sense. Those listed on the online catalog, or WiiWare, are no exception.

The following is a sample of some of the games that were found while browsing the WiiWare catalog:

1. “Fireplacing” – Yes, the game is called, “Fireplacing.” Yes, the game let’s you build a fireplace. That’s right, your very own fireplace. According to the summary, “You can prepare the wood, light the fire and stoke it. Or, if you prefer, choose the ‘automatic’ option to have the fireplace on your screen while you eat with your family, celebrate a party with friends or dine with your partner.” Wow…just…wow. Sounds like something you’d buy at a pure romance party. I can turn my television into a fireplace? I can think of no better way of being in touch with nature than using a remote control to stoke a fireplace that doesn’t generate heat on your television set. “Kids! Honey! Gather round the television! It’s fireplace night! Ooooohh…Ahhhhhhh!!!!” Blech. Maybe if I light a bunch of candles and cover myself in heating pads it will actually be a passable experience for the thirty seconds or so. Nah.

Wii Fireplacing

What do you mean, “its capped?”

2. “Bonsai Barber” – Some of you may have heard the term “FPS” or “First Person Shooter”. This game is trying to invent its own clever catch phrase by dubbing it a “FPG” or “First Person Groomer.” I personally don’t see that sticking. “Hey buddy, did you pick up the latest Call of Duty?” “No, I’m playing a First Person Groomer right now.” Yeah. According to the description, a bunch of cartoon characters that apparently double as bonsai trees are looking for a fashion guru to make them look better. The description doesn’t say for whom, but my guess is one of those bonsai trees has a date with Treebeard from Lord of the Rings. You’ll be able to pick from tools like scissors, clippers, spray cans, and more to turn these bonsai trees into horrifying monstrosities that you’ll probably later see in the next Stephen King movie.

Karate Kid Bonsai


3. “Let’s Catch” – Why go outside with your kid to play catch when you can do it virtually on your television screen? Why spend a couple of bucks on a ball to throw when you can spend three hundred dollars on a gaming system that lets your purchase a game where you can do the same thing? Besides the normal catching, the game features other modes like elimination where you and up to three friends can toss a bomb back and forth in a game of hot potato. Fun for the whole family.

Let's Catch

“A” Why are his hands so big, “B” why is he smiling, and “C” why aren’t his pants soiled?

I could go on but you get the idea. Before you buy a game, check the scores and reviews on various gaming websites to see if the game is all flash and no substance. You could also ask a friend, but prepare to for a lifetime of wedgies and wet willies if you mention your interest in “Fireplacing.”


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