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What Is Thanksgiving?

November 23rd, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Thanksgiving is more than just a day where you take off your belt, gorge on turkey, and then nap on the couch for a few hours. Like all holidays, there is a story behind it.

The story may or may not involve Snoopy.

It all started back in 1620 when the Pilgrims left England towards the New World. It was a rough journey by sea but they eventually made it. What historians didn’t know is that they were blown off course by a stray photon torpedo the Borg had fired when they tried going back in time to mess with Earth’s timeline. The Enterprise intervened, destroyed the Borg, and beamed the Pilgrims to the New World after erasing their memories so that the timeline could be preserved.

“Jean Luc, I know you just beat the Borg, but they’re back again. We need you to save Thanksgiving.”

After landing at Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts, they signed the “Mayflower Compact” introducing the first form of government. Hardships fell on them however and starvation became an issue. Most historians don’t know this, but when old Biff Tannen stole the time machine in 2015 he also went back to this time period and tried to give the almanac from the future to one of his early descendents so that it could be passed on through the generations and eventually used over three hundred years later to make himself rich. The Pilgrims didn’t receive him too well and became hostile. Biff realized he should make like a tree and get out of there to 1955 where he should have gone in the first place to just give the almanac to his younger self. Hello! Anybody Home?!

I imagine his first words to the Pilgrims were, “What are you looking at, buttheads?”

The American Indians stepped in and helped the Pilgrims grow and harvest their own food. In December of 1621, they held a three-day feast to give thanks and to celebrate their survival with their American Indian friends. Most historians don’t know this, but one of the Pilgrims was disgruntled and mad enough to want to go ballistic and kill every American Indian he saw. He planned to assassinate many of them during the festival, but luckily Doctor Sam Beckett chose that time to inherit his body by accident after his last “Quantum Leap.” Al was there of course to help guide him through and prevent the disaster that history never recorded.

“Oh boy.”

In 1789 George Washington declared the event’s first day in giving thanks via proclamation. The holiday fizzed out after that, being revived by Abraham Lincoln in 1863. Presidents after Lincoln kept the holiday alive until it became an official holiday in 1941. Many historians don’t know this, but in 1936 after Indiana Jones recovered the Lost Ark, he was sent on an expedition to recover relics lost during the time of the Pilgrims in 1620. He succeeded in recovering a small fly encased in amber which he kept and later sold to John Hammond in 1993. Unfortunately, Indy was unable to find relics during the 1620′s but luckily 1941 happened without his help. Indy passed away in 1994 after uncovering a large round ring in Giza, Egypt. This eventually led to the Stargate program.

Now you know where he got his cane.

While many see this holiday as a religious time, it’s also a holiday which recognizes the hard work of our ancestors and the courage of our forefathers. Whatever you believe, eat an extra turkey leg for me and watch your science fiction, dammit!

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