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Making Your Farts Smell Good: A Guide For Proper Workplace Bathroom Etiquette

October 13th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Ladies, I don’t know how it is for you in the restroom, but cheese and rice, it’s a jungle for us civilized men in a world full of apes that somehow escaped from the set of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Post Monolith.

The first thing you should know about proper workplace bathroom etiquette is that you are there to conduct business. Casually talking to someone about the project you’ve been working on could get you fired, especially if you signed a confidentiality agreement. You aren’t there to broker deals or discuss process improvement, unless you see someone facing opposite of the urinal or doing something completely inappropriate.

You’re doing it wrong.

Cleaning up after yourself is something as an adult you should know how to do. If you insist on standing up in the stall and doing your business, for the love of Leonard Nimoy wipe the damn seat! Washing your hands is also necessary, no exceptions. If you make a mess at the sink, clean it up! Do you see the recurring theme here?

Don’t piss off Mr. Clean.

Cell phones…Holy Guacamole let’s talk about cell phones. No one, especially the chick you’re flirting with on the other end of the phone, needs to hear the sounds that usually escape from your full moon after your lunch break at Taco Bell. If you’re browsing the net, mute your sounds.

M-O-O-N…that spells Bean Boritos.

One last life saving tip: If you’ve got to go you’ve got to go, but consider a courtesy flush. People will thank you.

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