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Texting For LOLZ

November 15th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

People are spoiled by cell phones, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. Luckily that isn’t a bad thing. Back when I was a kid being on America Online to check my email was the new big thing. Downloading a ten second .wav (sound) file could take five minutes, give or take, based on your dialup connection. Now we have a way to send messages to each other in less time than it takes you to type the message on your phone.

Try finding a slot on your tower for this.

Texting is a great way to communicate with someone without having to call or email them. The only problem I have with texting is how lazy people become in their grammar when communicating in ways other than texting. When you’re on the go and have maybe fifteen seconds to send a text message, you’re probably going to abbreviate. Fine. When you’re writing a full-blown email or drafting your resume’, do us all a favor and switch back to writing properly.

I recently discovered I was behind the times when it came to texting and internet lingo so I drafted the below to help anyone who needed help understanding what all of those abbreviations meant. It’s actually pretty fluid and easy to make your own abbreviations on a whim. Follow my lead and you’ll be popular again in no time.

Guys…Guys…This message is LOLZ.

LOL – Lord Of Laughs – A lot of people use this one and frequently. It just goes to show you how egotistical people are nowadays. Everyone thinks they are funny, constantly.

LOLZ – Lord Of Laughs Zombie – Only nerds or horror flick experts really use this one. It’s apparently an inside joke, seeing as how zombies don’t really laugh. Personally I don’t get it.

LMAO – Larry Might Act Out – I’ve noticed this used a lot too. I didn’t realize how common the name Larry was until I’ve seen this used in every other sentence. If you don’t want a kid who will act out, name him something other than Larry.

AFK – Always Frisky Key – Need to spruce up your text message with a little flirting? AFK is everything you’ll ever need. The secret that everyone knows is that there is no real Always Frisky Key on your keyboard but they get the idea. You’re in the mood and you want them to know about it.

ATM – Automated Teller Machine – Self explanatory, though I was surprised by how many banks allow kids to have ATM cards and bank accounts. I am pretty sure there are laws against that kind of thing.

BF – Boba Fett – For when you want to incite fear into the person you are texting.

BRB – Bright Red Booger – This is an abbreviation describing your need to stop your conversation because you need medical attention. I’ve been considering purchasing stock in both Kleenex and companies who make humidifiers seeing as how often this is used.

CYA – Cover Your Assets – It’s a popular way for parents to remind their kids to pull up their pants regularly because they forget their belt that morning. I have yet to see compliance take place after this sort of text message is received however.

JK – Jedi Knight – You can spot a true Star Wars fan when you see this in your text message. Feel free to call them on it.

KK – Knock, Knock – This has become more popular lately. In essence, you’re asking the person if they are still there after long pauses in the conversation.

NP – No Pickles – Impress your local Subway “Sandwich Artist” with a “NP.” Don’t worry, he’ll know what it means.

OMG – Onion Mustard Gas – More for military use…only used when you want your enemy to cry while becoming violently ill. Teenagers often use it when they want to over-exaggerate something that smells bad, like a bowel movement. If you see an OMG in your text along with an invitation to lunch, politely decline.

WTF – Who’s The Father – Mainly when you want to brag but feel “who’s your daddy” is too unprofessional. WTF is classy and office appropriate to bellow when you do something well done.

It’s very easy to make your own. Let’s say you’re texting a friend who is at the store offering to get you ice cream. They suggest Oreo. You prefer fudge. Why write all of that when you can simply write…”NO, MF”. No Oreo, More Fudge. Simple.

You’re running a kids show and you want to announce that you have to take a quick break before you bring out the unicorns. The kids are having a great time and loudly display their disgust for having to wait. No need to argue, just throw up a quick sign…STFU. Stay Tuned For Unicorns. How easy was that?

I hope this has helped you catch up with the times. With a little practice, you’ll be the awesome mom or dad every kid wants because you “Get It Joe”. GI Joe….get it? *nudge nudge* Get it? *nudge nudge* The American Hero? *wink wink* *nudge nudge*

LOLZ.

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