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Smoking: You Should Probably Quit

December 1st, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

I’m going to warn you all right off the bat that I am in a foul mood so expect this particular article to be filled with rants that borderline psychotic. With that disclaimer out of the way, let’s talk about something else that has a disclaimer on it that millions of people ignore.

That’s right, Mister “I’m Going To Light Up Next To This Child Because I’m An Asshat”, I’m talking to you. It’s been proven that cigarettes are bad for you and everyone around you. Hell, there’s even a Surgeon General’s Warning on the side of the box. When was the last time you looked at it? Did it ever say, “Surgeon General’s Warning: May cause sunshine, rainbows, and angels to get their wings?” or “Surgeon General’s Warning: Lung Cancer is fun!”

This happens every time you light up.

I don’t get it. I simply don’t get it. You, Mister Consumer, are paying five bucks a pack or more to fill your lungs and the air around you with toxic fumes? Where do I flippin’ sign up!? No, really, I get it. You don’t give a flying Chuck Norris roundhouse kick about your health so why should you care about the people you’re smoking around? That’s right. You don’t. It’s sad when people say that they smoke casually, as if they were trying to fit in around crowds. If you have to kill yourself slowly to fit in, you may want to rethink what your goals are and who you hang out with. “Surgeon General’s Warning: Smoking makes you look sexy.”

Extremely sexy.

You know those old women on the bus that annoy the crap out of you with their constant manly “I’ve got a pack of marbles in my throat” cough? The ones that could sing bass for Acapella if it wasn’t for hacking up a hairball every two seconds? They got that way for a reason and it’s not because they play too much bingo. ”Surgeon General’s Warning: Cigarette smoke is the leading cause of playful puppies.”

The stronger the cigarette, the cuter the puppy.

There are articles all over the place about video game addiction, gambling, and alcoholism, but I don’t see anything on the news related to the one addicting thing that is killing more people every year than those other three combined. One out of every five deaths in the United States are caused by cigarettes. This figure includes second-hand smoke, which is just as dangerous as taking a puff yourself. People who smoke around others are literally committing legalized murder and they just don’t give a Rats of Nihm. “Surgeon General’s Warning: Only smokers can breathe smoke.”

Toxic fumes? Had these guys been smokers, they wouldn’t have had to put on those silly HazMat suits.

Are you familiar with the cardiovascular system? Can you even spell it? You know, the system that pumps blood throughout your body via an important muscular organ called the heart? You know, what you don’t have when you light up around small children and animals? Yeah, that thing. Cigarette smoke causes various forms of heart disease. “Surgeon General’s Warning: Have a heart, smoke around the helpless. It will make them happy.” Know what the respiratory system does? Hint: It’s related to what you’ll be on after long exposure to cigarette smoke. How about the stomach? The pelvis? The bladder? The esophagus? The pancreas? Yep, smoking affects them too. “Surgeon General’s Warning: Cute wittle bunnies & lemon drops!”

Cute Bunny


How do people stand the taste? I tried it once just for the experience and almost gagged. How do people continuously subject themselves to inhaling that horse crap? Oh sorry, MENTHOL horse crap. That’s like spraying two-year old milk that’s been sitting behind a radiator with axe body spray and calling it safe to ingest. “Surgeon General’s Warning: Will taste like oven fresh cheese pizza.”

It’s a known fact that cheese pizza and cigarette ash taste the same.

People say they are too addicted to quit smoking. I’m pretty sure that if I could throw that person into a DeLorean and jump ahead thirty years to show them how yellow their teeth will get, they’d find the willpower to quit. If I could pull up their bank account history and show them how much money they could have spent on other things, like things that won’t kill you, I’m sure I could convince most people to quit. “Surgeon General’s Warning: People who smoke don’t have to pay rent, because they are too cool.” Let’s do a little math shall we? Stand back, I’m an accountant. I’m trained to do this kind of thing. Let’s say you smoke a pack a day and it costs $5.00 for a pack of cigarettes. Let’s average thirty days in a month. $5.00 x 30 = $150.00 a month. That’s the cost of your gas bill every month during the winter, and that’s being conservative with your gas. How much is that a year? $150.00 x 12 = $1800.00. That’s what, two to three months rent? I’m pretty sure you could find better ways to spend your money. Put the money you use to buy cigarettes into an account and then withdraw it at the end of the year to spend on stuff you wanted as a reward for not smoking. I’d take a check for $1800.00 easy, wouldn’t you? “Surgeon General’s Warning: Smoking makes your bank account happy.”

Scrooge McDuck’s success chalked up to the pack of Marlboro Lights he kept under his top hat.

Smoking is also a fire hazard, bet you didn’t know that. You know how many fires are caused by cigarettes? A lot. People get tired, people get sloppy, people fall asleep with a cigarette in their hand and poof…goodbye house. If you’re lucky, that is all you’ll lose. “Surgeon General’s Warning: Like speeding tickets, leukemia, and crazed badgers, fire only exists in the land of Narnia.”

The only thing Narnia doesn’t have are child psychologists.

Just do us all a favor and quit smoking. I mean really. What’s more important to you, getting your nicotine fix or living to see your kids grow up? Spending money to kill yourself or putting money away for your children’s college education? Giving your entire family lung cancer or keeping a nice clean home? If you have to think about that then please get in your car and drive to Antarctica. Yes…drive. If you must smoke, do it outside, and AWAY from other people. Remember, animals and plants are people too. I know you have it in you, now step it up and be responsible. “Surgeon General’s Warning: You’re awesome. Smiley face.”

Who’s awesome? You are.


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