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New Year’s Resolutions (2012)

December 30th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

2012 is upon us in all its glory via another sparkly ball that drops in Times Square, Manhattan, NY. It’s rather fitting that the city that has a reputation of having a giant attitude problem invented the world’s slowest T-bag.

I never understood New Year’s Resolutions. If it’s such an important commitment, then why are people waiting until the new year to change something about themselves that they know needs changed now?

Somewhere, someone pushed off their promise to not let David Hasselhoff sing and look what happened.

I never understood that line of thinking honestly. You know you need to change but you wait to do it? Either you’re going to do it or you’re not. I admit freely, I WANT to lose weight and lower my blood pressure. I cut out sweets and snacks except for special occasions and I’m working on finding a way to work in a physical routine in between work and being a full-time dad which seems to be the biggest hurdle. See? I said it. I admitted it. I just haven’t figured it all out yet. When I do, I’ll DO it whether its January 1, 20XX or not.

Through experience I’ve learned there are two kinds of people in this world: The people who give up and mooch off of others because they don’t feel like getting off their behinds and the people who set goals for themselves and strive to be everything they want to be, successful or not. Failing after trying your best doesn’t imply incompetence…failing after not trying does.

If you want to change something about yourself then you have to want to, no one is going to do it for you. There’s also no waiting period involved in developing a can-do attitude. You just have to want it bad enough and when you figure out how to do it properly, you just do it. Yoda said it best. “Do, or do not. There is no try.”

You don’t need a Jedi to convince you to stop selling death sticks and to go home and rethink your life.

With all of that said…the following are the candidates for my New Year’s Resolutions. Since I really don’t believe in that whole “I’ll change but next year” B.S., the list may or may not be sarcastic.

1. I vow not to flip out on my fellow employees and the cleaning crew even though they continue to move / use my desk supplies and then not put them back where they got them from.

2. I vow to give Star Trek V: The Search For William Shatner’s Writing & Directing Ability, another chance.

3. I vow to consider that brussels sprouts, are in fact, deliciously good for you and are not dirt balls filled with the rotting remains of Jabba the Hutt.

4. I vow not to yell obscenities when I see someone turn their vehicle without engaging their turn signal. I have to keep in mind that not everyone has the mental capacity to lift their arm and push a lever either up or down.

5. By the same token, I promise not to pound my head on the steering wheel trying to get my brain to accept that some people just CAN’T notice that their dashboard has been blinking its left turn signal indicator for the last ten miles.

6. I vow not to roll my eyes too hard at the kids who come to my work’s plaza to skateboard and pretend to be Tony Hawk right before the pavement smacks them in the face.

7. I vow not to lose my temper at the people who insist on stopping to chat with their friends in the middle of the sidewalk thus blocking the flow of traffic. I keep forgetting that you don’t have to be courteous or think of others when the topic of conversation involves glittery vampires.

8. I vow to not clench my teeth every time I hear my co-worker sing. I have to be open to the possibility that Mariah Carey’s songs can be sung by Peter Griffin and actually sound good.

9. I vow to keep my blood pressure in check after finding out that the show I enjoy watching on television is going to be cancelled in preparation for a reality show that will last seventeen seasons and star Gilbert Gottfried, Jar Jar Binks, Gollum, and Howard’s mother from The Big Bang Theory.

10. I vow not to get upset over the fact that Al and Peg Bundy brought their screaming / crying three-month old child to the movie that I paid ten bucks to supposedly watch. I must remember that as a six month old baby, I too, must have enjoyed loud random sounds and bright flashing lights in a crowded movie theatre for ninety minutes straight.

What are yours?

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