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Moving On…(After a Tough Break Up)

February 3rd, 2018 Leave a comment Go to comments

Pat Benatar had it right…love is indeed a battlefield.  It’s been a full year since my life suddenly derailed when the woman I was dating for thirteen years decided to cheat on me with another woman.  The event threw me into a pit and I’ll be honest, there were plenty of times where I just wanted to give up on life.  I’m glad I didn’t.  I wish I could go back in time right now and tell my one year younger self that everything would turn out OK.  It wouldn’t be easy, but life does have a way of moving on.  This blog post will hopefully serve as hope to those of you who are currently going through what I did not too long ago.

Jennifer and I weren’t exactly a good match for each other.  We loved each other.  We grew comfortable with each other.  We shared a lot of laughs and a lot of hard times together.  She had her faults, but I did too.  It’s important to recognize that in any relationship the fact that no one is perfect.  Finger pointing also gets everyone nowhere, as it doesn’t do anything to address the problems themselves.  We both did things to piss each other off, but that’s to be expected.  Fighting fairly in those situations and learning to communicate well goes a long way toward that kind of stress.

I paid the bills and supported the family financially.  She had two older kids of her own who I also fed, clothed, and tried to keep up with on an emotional level.  There were times I felt so stressed out that I didn’t want to be bothered with concerts or school plays, or to drive them places and what not.  I look back and wonder if I was a good father-figure to them.  I’ve been told that financially supporting a family isn’t enough and while I agree with that, being a door mat doesn’t make one happy either. Finding that middle ground between being selfless and selfish was, and is, a difficult task.

I’ve also been told that they weren’t even my kids, so the fact that I manned up and supported them said a lot about my character.  I agree with that too.  Jen had a lot of medical problems and when she did work, none of it went to the mortgage, light, gas, and other things needed to keep a roof over our heads.  To be fair, most of her money went to paying for stuff that her kids might have needed, like school concert trips and etc.  While I wished I had more help financially from her, I also recognize that being in a relationship means being a team and working together even if it can feel one-sided at times.

I cooked & cleaned as well, so part of me felt like she wasn’t pulling her weight.  I even took her cousin in (who is over twenty mind you) when he needed a place to stay so he could go to medical school.  When I asked for rent (which barely put a dent in the water or food he ate), he’d literally throw the money at me as if I should have kissed the ground he walked on instead.  I kicked him out of the house when he wouldn’t stop taking thirty to-forty-five minute showers and I suspect that this further caused a rift in the already stress-filled house.  I was raised to respect others, especially when they are going out of their way to do something for you.  Taking me for granted is one quick way to piss me off and looking back, I would have done it again.

I helped her enroll in a psych program for women that could help her with her anxiety and depression.  She met someone there (who eventually raged quit out of the program) and the two of them became good friends.  In January 2017, Jen and I got into a fight and she left with this friend (who was married).  I was devastated and that’s when my downward spiral truly began.  I tried like hell to get her back because I did indeed love her.  When I did see her, I noticed that she was wearing jewelry she hadn’t been wearing before.  Her friend’s profile had a post that said LR 1/27/17…which I see now is short for lesbian relationship.  I confronted both of them on it and they lied to me, saying that nothing was going on.  I even gave Jen money to help her with her cell phone bill as a show of good faith.  In March, Jen told me we were done, later admitting that she had relations with this woman shortly after leaving in January.

I’m not trying to “diss” Jen as she had a lot of problems and had a good heart.  Her weight and health made doing anything difficult and with the kids (hers and mine) not eager to step up and do chores without being told, a lot of the responsibility fell on me to hold the ship together.  I suspect that if she were healthier and could support herself, she’d be a wonderful companion to have next to you.  I suppose I just wasn’t making her happy and had to come to terms with that.  Some relationships just weren’t meant to be.

In June 2017 I began talking to one of my fans…a young woman by the name of Aidalee (some of you know her as Nev).  She loves games and has an amazing sense of humor.  She moved in with me in October 2017 and I couldn’t be happier.  While I sometimes wonder how Jen’s kids, Lucy (our dog), and the six ferrets are doing, I have to remind myself that life is sometimes harsh when it decides to make decisions for you.  I don’t know if I’ll ever see them again and that makes me incredibly sad.  These are people I lived with and supported for years and all the sudden they get ripped away and only contact me if they need something from me.

That brings me to some sage advice.  If your relationship does end abruptly, you may feel like you need to do everything in your power to win them back.  They might even ask you for things as Jen did to me.  Every situation is different mind you, but I highly, highly recommend you stay true to who you are.  You’re going to want to sacrifice and agree to things you wouldn’t normally agree to…I know, because I almost did.  My therapist, who I started seeing shortly after Jen left, advised that I not do anything rash and you what, she was correct.  If you and your ex can communicate and work things out, great…but only if both of you have nothing to hide.  I felt like an idiot for trying so hard to win her back when all this time she was sleeping with this other (married) woman.

People change.  This fact makes it more important than ever to keep a head on your shoulders and not lose sight of who you are and what you’re about.  Breakups suck, especially if they are sudden and blind side you, but you learn to get over it and move on.  Find something else to focus on, like your kids, an animal, your job, a hobby, anything.  If you don’t know who you are and what you want out of life, then that needs to be your first step, first and foremost.  As an aside, music helped me a lot, as did talking to people who have experience with this kind of thing.  Hang in there…things WILL get better.  Time, it seems, is truly the healer of all wounds.

Despite my anger and feelings of betrayal, I wish Jen and her partner all the best.  May they find the happiness they were so desperately looking for.

 

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