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Cell Phones: How To Piss Someone Off In Five Seconds Or Less

October 24th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

People often make the comment that other people are a lot more rude nowadays compared to when say, humans were inventing fire, the wheel, and hot pockets. Is it true? Possibly…then again we didn’t have cell phones and other technology that have spoiled us into a life of convenience hundreds of years ago.

Being of sound mind (some may attest to this) I have come to conclude that cell phones exist only to annoy other people, with the prospect of communicating with someone far away being merely a side effect companies discovered and took advantage of. Jesting aside, it’s ironic that a device meant for communication with someone far away serves to torture those in close proximity. A Yang to the Yin if you will, the jelly to peanut butter, the Pepto Bismol to reality television…you get the idea.

The Hasselhoffs

I just threw up in my mouth a little.

As annoying as cell phones are, they are a necessary evil we all must live with, not insomuch as evil as the people who use them inappropriately. Below are some basic rules on proper cell phone etiquette. Feel free to take notes whether you are genuinely interested in changing your ways or looking for new ways to torture your co-workers during your next staff meeting at work.

1) Ringtones

There’s nothing more appropriate than having “My Sharona” blast from your cell phone due to an incoming call while discussing a million dollar budget plan with your boss. No matter how sexy you look when you sing that late at night in front of your full length bathroom mirror while doing the Carlton dance from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, that ringtone is not appropriate for work. Put your phone on vibrate while at the office. If you want to be extra courteous, leave vibrate on 24/7.

M-m-m-m-my Sharoooonaaa…

2) Volume

If you can’t hear someone, your natural reaction is to speak louder and assume the other party can’t hear you as well. People often do this with cell phones on crowded noisy busses. Instead of disrupting everyone with you yelling into a device that cost more than your rent, tell them you’ll call back later.

3) Public Use

This one often accompanies #2. It’s usually on the bus when your neighbor gets a very personal call from his upset girlfriend and tried to play Doctor Phil by recounting his experiences with hemorrhoid flare up. Personal calls are on a need to know basis and trust me, the entire bus didn’t need to know. I’m just glad they did away with those annoying phones that acted like walkie talkies and sounded like R2D2 every time you glanced at it.

*Bleeeeeep Blooooop* Hey Bill! *Bleeeeeep Blooooop* “Hey Ted!” *Bleeeeeep Blooooop* What’s up? *Bleeeeeep Blooooop* Nothin. *Bleeeeeep Blooooop* K. *Bleeeeeep Blooooop* That’s a big 10-4. *Bleeeeeep Blooooop*

4) Interruptions

More often than not you’re in the middle of having a hot and heavy discussion with your significant other concerning the plot twists in Lord of the Rings when Chewbacca growls in your pocket (get your mind out of the gutter) indicating you’ve received a text message. How many people actually wait until they are done speaking to the person they are currently involved with before whipping out their phone and checking their phone? Not many I bet, and they should. It’s only polite. In Japanese culture it’s extremely rude to interrupt someone when they are talking, we as Americans should take notes while ignoring the fact that they invented Pokemon.

Pink Poodle

Gotta catch em all…I guess.

5) Driving

Even hands free seems pretty silly to me. You’re still being distracted from paying attention even if you’re able to put both hands on the wheel. We tell kids to quiet down when they are getting rowdy in the back seat for a reason. Hang up the phone and concentrate on not killing anyone with your three thousand pound death machine.

So the next time you’re out in a movie theatre watching Jim Carrey’s Hamlet and you remember that you didn’t put your phone on vibrate, do everyone else a favor and just do it. Please…do it for the kittens. They’re really cute. You wouldn’t hurt a kitten would you?

Cute Kitten

It’s so FLUFFFYY!!!!

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