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Star Wars: The Force Is Getting Silly, Young Padawan

October 17th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

I am hoping by now that the majority of you have seen all six Star Wars movies, whether it be voluntarily or forced by your nerdy boyfriend as part of a deal that he’d never ask you to wear that “stupid” Leia outfit, ever.

The original three, Episodes Four, Five, and Six were released between 1977 and 1983 respectively and hold up well to the movies of today. The next three, Episodes One, Two, and Three were released between 1999 and 2005 respectively and I haven’t yet decided how I feel about them and about whether or not George Lucas had a blood alcohol level three times the legal limit while directing.

Allow me to explain.

In Episode Three: Revenge of the Sith, we are introduced to a kickass looking robot that can wield four lightsabers and can heat up a hot pocket in .02 seconds flat. Even the Cylons and the Borg said, “No thanks, I’m good.”

Kinda like this, but bigger and less plastic.

So how could something so epic go so wrong? Someone inside the Lucas Universe decided that a big, scary Jedi killer should be made more lifelike by giving it, you guessed it, smoker’s cough. Why?! Why was it necessary for a robot that put George Foreman grills to shame to be given smoker’s cough? I wonder how successful the original trilogy would have been if they had made Darth Vader spit every two lines of dialogue.

We haven’t even gotten into Jar Jar territory yet. I understand the need for marketing your product to a younger crowd, really I do, but giving Barney the Purple Dinosaur a Jamaican accent, putting him on the Atkins diet, and making him destroy property in every scene doesn’t really hold true to the Star Wars that I remembered as a kid.

Even his own people didn’t want him, what does that tell you?

Anyone stay awake long enough for the “One Life to Live” sequences in Episode Three? Don’t get me wrong, I went nuts over the action sequences and the lightsaber battles, but some of the lines were pretty cringe inducing. After the first major part of the movie, the rescue of Palpatine from the Separatists, we are treated to an hour of Anakin and Padme arguing over who is in love with who more. I contest that it wasn’t the wish to save Padme that turned Anakin to the Dark Side, but the crappy dialogue he was given to work with by the writers. I felt like I was watching a really long episode of Dragonball Z.


A few other things that bothered me was how dumb the Jedis actually were in failing to solve the whole conspiracies thing. Yoda is supposed to be wise and practically a miniature version of Leonard Nimoy, how did he not question the trust of the clone army that mysteriously appeared in Episode Two? Why did Anakin believe that the Sith Lord, a being that staged the whole war and the death of millions of lives and droids, could save Padme when he admitted to Anakin that he didn’t know how…”yet”. I also liked how Anakin went to all that trouble to save Padme and was the one in the end that force choked her. She didn’t die from that of course, she died because she “lost the will to live”. Pleeeeease.

How about the death of Mace Windu? He had Palpatine dead to rights, who was making a big corny show of “I’m electrocuting myself to death but not really.” Then Anakin steps in with one swing and disarms Windu long enough for Palpatine to zap him out the window like a chump. For a Jedi who sits on the council built up to be like Jules from Pulp Fiction, that was a pretty cheap death.

Jedi, Mother******, DO YOU SPEAK IT!?

That won’t deter me from watching it again for the tenth time this week, but c’mon George, you can do better than that.

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