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Batman: Laundry Detergent? Let Me Check My Utility Belt…

October 19th, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

Oh 1960′s, how you never cease to amaze me. You gave us many life changing events for future generations to reflect on; the Vietnam War, the Beatles (blech), MLK’s I have a dream speech, and of course most importantly, Adam West and Burt Ward as Batman and Robin who starred in 120 episodes and a movie.

Batman Movie

Holy contributing to the delinquency of minors Batman!

If I were to list all of the things that irked me about that show on paper, it would actually be enough matter to fill the black hole that is the neverending space inside Batman’s utility belt, home to some of the oddest gadgets I have ever heard of. It goes without saying, Batman is either a genius or a mad inventor secretly plotting to destroy Gotham City.

For example, there was one episode of Batman where a ransom note was left for Batman to decode. How was the ransom note left you ask? Why, in a bowl of alphabet soup of course. So, our fearless leader whips out his “Bat-Alphabet-Soup-Container” (complete with funnel, no joke) and brings the evidence back to the batcave and feeds it to his bat-computer for analysis so that it could spell out a secret message.

Batman Soup

Batman: “Robin, have you noticed? The “J’s”, “Q’s” and “Z’s” are missing…” Robin: “Holy Uncanny Photographic Mental Processes!”

Then there was Mr. Freeze. Most of you probably know him as Arnold Schwarzenegger from the film, Batman and Robin. In the TV series during one episode the dynamic duo approaches the villain in his lair, entering a room where Mr. Freeze has the ability to turn some or all parts of the room from normal to freezing and vice versa. Batman, having been foiled by the same trick earlier in the episode comes prepared with, you guessed it, “Bat-Thermal-Underwear” which allows the cape crusader to pass through the freezing sections of the room to get to Mr. Freeze. How do you design undergarments to protect your entire body? I don’t know, but I’m sure Wal-Mart is having a sale, be sure to ask your friendly sales associate.

The Day After Tomorrow Movie

A tribute to those that didn’t wear their “Bat-Thermal-Underwear.”

How about the Batmobile Parachute Pickup Service Signal? Never heard of it? Well you see, the Batmobile would often be traveling at about seven times the speed of the light and would have to suddenly turn around. How does one make the turn without bothering to hit the obvious brake pedal? You deploy the Batmobile’s parachute of course via the “Bat-Turn-Lever”, which falls off after the turn is executed. This would naturally cause viewers to write letters asking why the city lets Batman dump huge parachutes onto city streets, because obviously there isn’t anything else to question from such a high quality show. The writers of the show thus invented the “Batmobile Parachute Pickup Service Signal”, which signals Alfred to take the “Batmobile Parachute Pickup Service Van” out to collect them.

Scooby Doo Mystery Machine

The van may or may not have looked like this. Anyone’s guess.

Anyone see the original Batman movie? Do you remember when Robin was piloting the Batcopter and Batman was on the Batladder heading towards a buoy in the ocean? Remember when the buoy disappeared, part of some elaborate illusion, and a rubber shark latched onto Batman’s leg after Robin discovered that Batman shouldn’t be submerged in the water? How does one get rid of a shark you ask? You have Robin put the Batcopter on autopilot and bring down the Bat-Shark-Repellent to you, then after spraying it, watch it explode once it hits the water like your colon does after eating seventeen pounds of curry at your favorite Indian restaurant.

Batman Oceanic Repellents

Bat-Barracuda, Whale, Manta Ray, and Shark Repellent. Fun for the whole family.

With everything Batman has at his disposal, it makes me wonder why he makes Alfred ride a bicycle, otherwise known as the Alf-cycle. I guess with the money they spent on the Bat-zooka which fired explosives and/or their Batropes to the top of tall buildings there had to be cutbacks somewhere. The Alf-cycle had a two-way radio and could ferry Batman in to the city in case his Batmobile was stolen. Why was it called an Alf-cycle? Perhaps Alfred-cycle was too obvious and they were trying to keep it on the down low.

Or perhaps it had something to do with the alien on the other end of the two-way radio.

Needless to say there are more, but for the sake of sanity we’ll leave those for another time. Tune in tomorrow! Same bat time, same bat channel!

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